Many things have been happening lately; most of them giving me very mixed feelings about life and how exactly i should be dealing it. today, i realized how it is possible to feel like you are on top of the world one day and the next day, feeling like you hit rock bottom, after 100 feet of crap underneath it and then, you. if anything, i realized how fragile life can be and how people around you can make you feel surreal yet throb your heart all the time.

One of the many things i have been grateful is having the right people with me. the best thing that has ever happened to me was probably meeting the love of my life, without planning for it. it just happens and it has been wonderful since then. but, i realized it can also be daunting and shake you to your very core. so much feelings, love and care for one another could actually lead to utmost sensitivity. and perhaps, because you take things for granted.

Today, i figured out that maybe we both have. we said things that were hurtful to each other. i was utterly devastated to hear all the things said; it caught me off guard. i never knew you felt that way. you gave me so many mixed signals; you said you were okay and you did not mind doing all these things but yet here we are, arguing and getting upset with each other over it. maybe, you thought of sparing my feelings but it hurts me more you keep it inside of you for so long and then hitting me hard in the face.

It made me feel horrible. that i have been terrible to you all these while. Was I?
it hurts me when you doubt my willingness to commit to you, my ability to compromise and my capacity to understand your anxiety. i always thought we share the same sentiment; wanting to spend the rest of our lives together as soon as possible. perhaps, it was just me and silly fantasy of wanting to be with you, thinking love will conquer all. today, i feel like we are going different directions.

I was heartbroken. And angry. We made promises to each other and it felt timely to start fulfilling that promise. never have i thought it would unleash this other side of you; doubts and more doubts. maybe i have not been an equally giving partner, but why do you doubt me so readily when i decide you could be the receiving end of it now?

It is like as if you never trusted me. you said you do but subconsciously you have doubts i will not be a willing party to reciprocate. all this while, we were together, your faith for us, is it dwindling?
i thought we were making a great step; moving on or preparing to move on to the next phase in life. but now i find myself wondering, do i still get that future with you? or was it just wishful thinking on my part? i understand your concerns. everyone in the same situation has the same worry and anxiety. but please think what you are trying to ask me to do.

You are asking to wait around, not knowing what lies ahead of us and perhaps somehow wait for a miracle to happen that we will be able to sustain everything financially. you know, i have been thinking of our future and how it will be great to be bonded together and then perhaps start a family. i never asked to have one right away. certainly, marriage is not something to be rushed but we both agreed to be in certain amount of time.

But, it seems like you want to slow things down and i do not even know what triggered it. were you not being honest with me when we made the commitment? we have so many years to prepare together but you have chosen to set a distance from me. you said you hold on to people who are dear to you. why are you pushing me away? it baffles and disappoints me that you are acting this way. if you were not comfortable, you could have just said no instead of saying yes and then acting so hostile and monotonous. i know you well enough to understand how you really feel. i might be upset a little but we would not be having this argument and questioning ourselves about the foundation of our relationship. i only have one question for you..



Am I wasting my time?

Wow i can't believe i'm almost ending my exchange in Sweden.
it just feels like it's only yesterday when i landed in Goteborg, tasting and
feeling snow for the first time. it also feels different to be on my own for 6 months,
different kind of freedom. best thing about the exchange is probably the ability
to travel around Europe. even though i did not travel as extensively as some of my friends
did here, i really am glad to be able to see other countries, besides Singapore.

i just ended my last exam for the semester. took 5 modules in Gothenburg
Universitet so that i will have lesser modules to clear in SMU. well, better pass/fail
grade than seeing a low grade on my results. lol.
i took 2 econs modules; Environmental Economics and Swedish Model and Equality.
The other 2 are my second major in Operations; International Trade & Logistics
and Retailing, Wholesaling & Logistics. the 2 mods were considered Master courses
so they weren't so easy. just had my exam on International Trade which i think
i can pass and hopefully my project assignment too. we need to pass both
so as to both the whole course. did my project with germaine and josie and
both of them are majoring in International Trade so i think we're good.

I already passed my first 3 mods in the first part of the semester;
Environmental Economics, Retailing and this GRS (Global Regional Studies) module
that i need to clear in SMU on East and Central European Experience.
Wasn't a breeze though. i actually failed my project assignment for Retailing. lol.
but that was kinda our fault; we focused too much on the company we were
writing on and almost nothing on the theories we learnt from the course.
so, my group mates and i got back together for 1-2 days to modify our report which we
eventually passed. heh.

i'm just hoping i will clear my other 2 mods without having to redo anything.
i won't be in Sweden anymore for any re-exams or re-submission.
but a good thing about the university is that they let students re-take their
exams if they fail or redo the assignments they fail which is kinda a good thing?
makes the students learn what their mistakes were and really no competition.
because eventually everyone will pass, unless of course that person doesn't
care about his grades at all. lol.

it's less hectic environment here compared to Singapore. probably gonna miss the
school pace in Gothenburg University. i hope i can adjust back to SMU when
i come back to complete my final 2 semesters. damn, i can't wait to graduate
already. anyway, speaking of less hectic, i managed to travel to 10 countries (including Sweden)
in the last 5 months i was here. my first trip was of course to Sweden's capital in Stockholm.
damn, i'm not used to travelling for more than an hour within a country.
it took us 6 hours to travel from Goteborg to Stockholm by bus O.O

my second trip was to Kiruna when we tried to catch the northern lights!
we actually took domestic flight from Goteborg to Kiruna. lol.
well, we managed to get a glimpse of the aurora before we left. i would have
been more delighted if the lights were clearer to be captured on camera.
even germaine who had the DSLR couldn't capture the lights.
but we did other bunch of fun stuffs like dog sleighing, riding on the snow mobile
and visited the ice hotel (which wasn't such a hoo-ha though).
came back to rush through my GRS exam studying haha before
i went to Oslo in Norway with faizzah, nik and atikah, 3 out of the 4 Malaysian
girls i met on exchange. it was kinda nice to meet people who speak your language.
haha. faizzah was also my group mate for Retailing.

my next trip was to Madrid and Cordoba in Spain with faizzah just before our
Retailing presentation. wished we spent time longer there though. Spain is really
a beautiful country. i mostly shopped in Madrid. haha. really went crazy there,
especially at primark when we were in Cordoba. but of course, Cordoba was
a beautiful town by itself, especially the Mezquita.
the week after my presentation, i went for a short weekend trip to London. the main aim
was to shop but josie and i didn't really shop much. didn't find London
so appealing or shop-worthy. and i also fall sick in London which was
really really annoying.

i took 3 weeks to recover from a cough. 3 weeks!
it was really a horrible experience and i couldn't go to a doctor because it
was too bloody expensive to go to a doctor if you are a non-EU citizen.
so i mostly ate medicine i could find in pharmacies or those that
my friends were kind enough to give me. i really felt like i was in hell
and missed home the most then. to make things worse, i had to forfeit on my
individual (lucky optional) presentation for my Environmental Econs
because i lost my voice and i had to force myself to study for both
my Retailing and Environmental Econs exams which were just a day apart.
thank god i passed both. but, i did fail my Environmental Econs exam.

actually i passed it but the requirements to pass for the course were to pass
all 3 sections of the paper which i didn't for 1, by 1 mark. i was so effing pissed
with myself and the stupid requirements. i could have passed. but it gave me a chance
to study more properly since i already recovered and probably because i focused
a lot more on my Retailing exam the first time. but, the re-exam turned out to be
damn easy so i passed it yay :D

after my last 2 exams, i went to Lund to visit Xi Theng who was studying at
Lund Universitet. but, i was still trying to recover then so my immune system was
really low. we cancelled quite a bit of our plans like to go Copenhagen because
Xi Theng thought i wouldn't be able to last through the heavy wind and cold there,
seeing how i was suffering the wind in Lund itself. Lund is soooo windy my god.
we also didn't go to the castle because it was quite a ride via the bicycle and i lost
breath just few minutes after cycling. i spent a lot of time staying in her room,
watching movies with her. lol. but i did spend my birthday there with her.
her birthday was 2 days before mine too!

she treated me to falafel, even though it was probably not good for my throat.
but hell, it tasted good. haha. oh and she taught me how to bake my own bread
as well.plus she cooked for me throughout the time i was not feeling well.
so i was taken care of a little bit better than when i was on my own. haha.
thankfully, i recovered by beginning of april because i was going to travel
again and for the longest time out of all my recent trips.
i was going Budapest, Krakow and Prague for 10 days with josie.
farah (the last Malaysian girl) tagged along with us for the Budapest trip.

the trip was really fun though it is a bit tiring to travel non-stop.
by the time we were in Prague, i was just itching to go back home already.
after our trip, we got really busy doing our International trade project assignment.
during that period, i still managed to fly to Istanbul where rasyidah and sabila
were already staying at sabila's aunt. so i decided to join them to sight see.
it was reallllly fun and good to see familiar faces plus being taken care of by
Kak Nor and Yilmas (they were like our mummy and daddy) was really nice.
it made me realize that i miss the feeling of being taken care of by parents.
so that was the closes feeling i got while i am away in Sweden.

after the Istanbul trip, i just focused on completing my semester and here i am!
all done with the semester, 3/4 done with cleaning my room, getting ready
for when baby comes to Sweden (yay!) and going for my day trip to Copenhagen.
since i didn't get to do it when i visited Xi Theng, i decided to go for a day trip
the day before baby comes. heh.
after he comes, we will be going London (to sight see mostly), Italy and Paris!
i'm too damn lazy to upload pictures yet.

sooon.